Throat strangles, neck in cramp, hands limp, numb, weightless, heavy and shaking. The stomach swells from swelling and hunger screams in every cell. Nerve pain takes away the ability to put weight on the leg, and the nerves are all over the place, echoing around the huusholli. Boiling water runs down the shoulders while a load of ice cubes sizzles under the skin.
I wish I was normal, and not such a delinquent. It’s disgusting when the body feels, but the mind doesn’t. I can’t even guess what feeling I’m talking about when things fall out of your hands and your foot goes under. I’ve been a wasp for almost a week due to my irritability quite unexpectedly. I had already had time to think that the sanctuary of peace had been built inside me, but now it is raging like a Midsummer bonfire. Unbelievable how something can make me so “out of sorts”. This sensitization has brought up the traumatic feelings from my childhood/youth, and I’ve been living in hell, ignorant of the rest, during that time. Oh, how I was afraid yesterday – and then as a child.
Yesterday, however, made me understand my fear of meeting drunks. They – and otherwise just confused people are unpredictable with their mouths and behavior. Whatever insults I can get my hands on, at any moment someone might be annoyed and push “whoops-ohops”. How should I react then? What to feel? I’ve never been good at these things and I’ve just chosen to be expressionless, gestureless and empty to protect my innermost being, which can be shattered even by a breath. No one ever taught me that I feel sad and it’s okay, that it will pass and it’s a real feeling. No one ever taught that you can feel it even in the right situations.
In theory, I can know and recognize and name, but not -at the moment-. That’s when my inner head shuts up, closes the curtains, digs its head into a hole like an ostrich, while my outer shell is just basic as if nothing had happened. However, a whirlwind of different emotions is raging inside me. I don’t recognize the emotions and I get confused by the tearing movement of the tornado and the physical feeling it causes. I’m starting to get scared and what did that scared cat do? It crackles and screams, it’s angry.
It looks like this:
I realize right now that my loved ones did not deserve the fearful anger caused by my sparkling and sparking whirlwind. They just act as lightning conductors when my electrical charges discharge. Lightning strikes them first after gathering their power in a pressure cooker inside my head. Even their small, in the present state imperceptibly small degrees of irritation hit me like meteorites on the surface of the earth. I’m so sensitive that I can’t stand half a crossword, a degree of naughtiness or ignorance. This burden of irritation, this amount of self-loathing, as the raging woman throws herself against the walls.
Insensitivity Vs. unrecognizability of feelings
It is different to experience physical stress reactions without feeling the emotions in your mind than to not recognize (not know how to articulate) the inner feeling of your mind. It’s like I’m writing two writings at the same time; this and the next. This was left unfinished when a new thing appeared, and when I read through it again, I noticed that he writes about the unrecognizability of feelings in a different way than in the new writing. Here you can see how difficult this feeling can be.
Oh, if this difficulty could be programmed into someone who grew up in a completely healthy way, even for one week, and he would write about his experiences with full understanding in relation to his real emotional life. At the same time, the unstable would be programmed with a completely healthy and normal emotional life and experiences. He would also describe the side of life compared to his own before – has the quality of life improved? Then normal and unstable would compare their experiences in both good and problematic life.
